The following gracious post is from Mary at Owlhaven. Please pass it along to anyone you know who may need encouargement!
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I was asked by Amber Haines from The RunAMuck to contribute to the Idea Camp, and talk about the effect of adoption on other children in the family. This is an important issue, one that tends to be only briefly covered in most books about adoption. I could give you a whole lot of generalities to consider, but it feels most meaningful to just tell you about our own experience.
When we first adopted back in 1998, our four biological kids were 10, 8, 6, and almost 4. We expected that the adjustment would be much like adding any child to a family: some displacement jealousy, especially with our youngest bio son, but not a whole lot else.
Looking back, we were both right and wrong. We were all surprised at the amount of attention centered on our new little guy from Korea. He was 4 months old when he came home, and cute, cute, cute. The used-to-be baby, also pretty darned cute, was nonplussed by the attention shift. A lot of the attention was probably because our newest child was Asian. Our Ethiopian girls experienced similar levels of intense attention when they first came home, uncomfortable for them, and strange for older siblings who as part of the Caucasian majority in Idaho felt suddenly invisible.
Our second Korean son came home a year and a half later, in 2000. He was 20 months old, only 2 months younger than our first adopted child, which means we basically had twin toddlers. It was a tough year helping him settle in while juggling the needs of all the other kids. We as mom and dad were busy, sometimes tired from being up at night, and expected more from older kids. They took in in stride and did well with the challenge. But I am sure there were times when they wished we were more available.
We didn’t adopt again until 2004, this time a 20 month old girl from Ethiopia. It was good timing for our family. By then our youngest boys were 6, old enough to do some things on their own, and certainly old enough to wait when our new little girl needed mom. She adjusted easily to our family and we all really enjoyed having another little one. In 2005 when we adopted a 6 month old girl from Ethiopia, that adjustment also went well. The older kids were used to adding siblings and helping mom and dad. And they adored having a tiny sister. I remember marveling at how naturally the bigger boys could show affection to this new little baby, even as they were growing up and wanting less hugging from me.
Babies add a wonderful dimension to family life for older children. I am the oldest of 8 kids, and have rich memories of carrying younger siblings around, doing their hair, dressing them, and enjoying the feeling of being a competent older sibling, complete with all the adoration that the little ones showered on me. Yeah, they get into your stuff and cause extra work. But it’s pretty darned hard to be a cranky teenager when you’ve got a tiny sibling patting your face and unabashedly loving you.
Adopting older children brings a different set of adjustments to the family. In 2007 we brought home 9 and 11 year old sisters from Ethiopia. We were so eager to welcome them that John and I both went to Ethiopia for them, bringing our two littlest girls along too. The new girls were thrilled to meet their little sisters in Ethiopia, and began bonding to them even before they felt comfortable with us. Once home, the girls also gained great comfort from having other kids close to them in age in the family. (Our Korean boys were born the same year as the younger girl, and our older girl is about a year younger than our youngest biological child.)
It was more of a mixed bag for older kids. Our newly arrived 11-year-old greatly resented sisterly advice and correction from our older bio daughter, age 17. The 11-year-old had never been anyone’s little sister and our 17-year-old couldn’t remember being anything but a big sister. They collided at times, with both girls feeling like I favored the other in my attempts to encourage harmony.
Also difficult for the older kids was the rule-testing by the new arrivals in our family. Oh, we tried to help ease the transition, in every way possible. For a time we gave our new daughters a lot of extra grace, conscious of the huge adjustment and all the grieving they were going through. We were hoping once they bonded with us better, they would be more concerned about pleasing us. But three months in, everyone’s patience with the disruptive behavior was wearing thin, including the older siblings who sometimes felt aggravated that the newbies seemed to have a different set of rules.
Our youngest girls were 2 and 5 when the older girls arrived, and after a few months were mimicking some of their behavior. Nothing earth-shatteringly awful – just arm-crossing, eye-rolling, avoidant, pouting behavior that we’d never allowed in our home before. That was one of the hardest things for me to see as mom. Here we wanted our home to be a haven, and it seemed to be heading in the opposite direction instead.. Around the 6-month mark after a lot of prayer and pow-wows between John and me, we got serious about giving consequences for every unacceptable behavior. Though bonding still wasn’t readily apparent, and I worried that we were slowing down bonding with all the consequences, the girls’ behavior gradually improved. That made it easier for everyone (especially me) to feel gracious and loving towards them. And though they still had plenty of times where they wished for nothing but their old life, they gradually began to feel like they really truly belonged.
In the spectrum of older-child adoption adjustment, our new girls were very much in the normal range. Some kids adjust more quickly, and others have much more severe issues. But for us it was hard enough. Oh, that first year was slow and difficult! Many times I wondered if the price our other children were paying was just too high. I was thankful many times for the clear way that we’d been led to adopt these very kids. Because when I remembered how God had led us to them, I also remembered to trust that He had a good plan and He would also lead us through the challenge.
Now that the older girls have been home 3.5 years, they are happy, usually respectful, and are so much better settled in. It was a tough journey with many bumps and valleys and they’ll always have memories of loss. But they have overcome so much, and I get the sense that in their hearts they’ve finally arrived home. We are so blessed to have each and every one of our children in our lives. Relationships all around have grown and flourished. These days one of the delights of my life is watching our teenage sons teasing their Ethiopian sisters. They thoroughly enjoy each other.
In looking back I can see how John and I have grown as parents through the challenges. I can also glimpse some of the reasons why God might have allowed those challenges to touch all our children as well. It could be that in the future they might need some extra compassion for the struggles of others, an understand of how grieving and trauma affects people. It could be that the extra patience they developed through all this may help them with their own kids. Often God grows us spiritually through difficulty, and so I will trust that this adventure He led us on will be one that will benefit every member of our family.
We look forward to the future where we hope to have a houseful on weekends even after kids are grown. I think of the friendships I treasure with my own siblings now as an adult. Each of my siblings blesses me uniquely, and irreplaceably. I am thankful for their friendship and love and support, and I look forward to seeing those kinds of bonds grow among my children as they move into adulthood as well. In a big family you’re never alone in the world. And that’s something to celebrate!
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In writing this post, I tried to be honest while honoring my children and the journey they’ve taken to get to this point. I hope my love for my children also shines through. I feel vulnerable in a way, putting our struggles out there, and yet I do so because I fervently desire to play a part in helping potential adoptive parents be well prepared. To see both the challenge and the joy, and to decide for adoption anyway. Because these kids are so very worth it.
To better understand the reasons for a newly adopted child’s grief and pain, please read my friend Shaun’s post The List.
For another view into growing an adoptive family don’t miss this article by Melissa Fay Greene. (Melissa is also the author of the amazing book There Is No Me Without You.
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